Jobs For All

There has been a lot of goings-on at our club over the last few years which some supporters might describe as cloak-and-dagger type operations. Here at Yellow Fever we generally stay clear of dissecting such matters and leave that to the experts elsewhere. We like to take a more light-hearted view of matters.

With this in mind, having read the news that Dave “Harry” Bassett was paid a reported £1500 a week for 90 minutes work as a “consultant” to Aidy on footballing matters last season, we’d like to suggest the club make the following inappropriate appointments for next season:

Jamie Moralee – Shooting Coach

David Connolly – Teamwork Builder

Gary Plumley – Goalkeeping Coach

Ray Wilkins – Attacking Football Consultant

Mick Quinn – Fitness Coach

Dai Thomas – International Relations

Paul Robinson – Anger Management Therapist

Hanibal Lecter – Catering Manager

Paul Furlong – Car park Attendant (we're serious about this one, anything to stop him having to play for them)

Richard Johnson – Driving Instructor

Gifton Noel-Williams – Family Planning Advisor

Rumour Round-Up

“Do you have two legs?”

“Have you ever kicked a football?”

“Have you ever called yourself a striker or forward, with regards to the above football kicking?"
If you answered yes to the above questions then you are eligible to be a rumoured transfer target of Aidy Boothroyd, especially if a certain website is to be believed.

Possible transfer targets have included (*deep breath*) Kenny Miller, Freddy Eastwood, Billy Sharp, Heidar Helguson, Jamie Cureton, Christian Benitez, Rohan Ricketts, Stan Collymore (sadly I’m not joking, though they surely must be) and Dena Rosa (who rejected us in favour of League One Southend - stop laughing).

But it’s not just strikers either, other players rumoured to be pulling on a yellow shirt next year include Michael Mancienne, Stewart Cumming and Paul Robinson.

In an outgoing direction, utility man James Chambers has definitely packed his bags and headed to the Crisp Bowl in Leicester, in search of regular football. You can’t really blame him, he’s currently 3rd choice right back, and 3rd choice right midfielder. He leaves with my thanks, and I hope he gets a good reception when he returns to the Vic.

Danny Shittu’s agent has the ear of at least one red-top sports editor and seems intent on getting the man-mountain Premership football (English or Scottish, either’s good apparently) this coming season.

DeMerit’s agent hasn’t got quite as big a mouth, but the occasional rumour is floating around that Jay from the USA is also on the way out. One “journalist” also seems to think that Clarke Carlisle is wanting out after a lack of first-team opportunities last season, forgetting that Carlisle was injured for most of it.

Unfortunately, Boozer is being tracked by a few Premiership clubs, whilst Moses Ashikodi is rumoured to be wanted by Mad Ollie down at Plymouth, which would surprise me, as I think he has a broken leg. It would also appear that Doris is being waved around by Aidy as a make-weight in any deal for a 20-goal-a-season striker.

Hopefully now everyone is back off their holidays we can stop speculating and two months of mad transfer dealings can begin.

Talking of mad transfer dealings, the godfather has splashed out £16.5m on Darren Bent. Is he mad? He could have bought himself a Thierry Henry and a Yassin Moutaoukil for that money.

And finally, I'll finish off with the sketchiest rumour of them all. Two blog comments, an anonymous one on this site, and another from "mike" over at BHaPPY, suggesting Al Bangura wont play next season. Why? Who knows? Maybe it’s someone playing a game to see who’ll pick up a story and run with it, like some elaborate game of inter-web Chinese whispers. We can all do that you know;

My Dad plays golf with someone, who knows someone. I have it on good authority that Alan Smith is on his way to Watford. You heard it here first.

TV Interference

One of the reasons many people are looking forward to a return to Championship football, other than that we might win some games, is the return of the Saturday, 3 pm kick-off. As a species we are creatures of routine, and routine makes us happy.

Few beers on Friday. Shopping with the missus on Saturday morning, football at 3. Fry-up and golf on Sunday morning. Or whatever your routine is. We all have one.

However, we have not escaped the interference of Mr Murdoch by hiding in Division 2. No, in their infinite wisdom, Sky have moved our opening game of the season at Wolves, which will now kick off at the catchy time of 17:20.

Seriously, twenty past five, what's that all about?

Quote Of The Day

#1 in an occasional series.

Paul Ince has today, been revealed as the new manager of MkFranchise. He said;

"My heart has said stay but my head has been telling me to go to MK Dons. It feels like the decision Thierry Henry has had to make regarding going to Barcelona."

Yeah, right. Whatever.

Watford Sign Child

It has been confirmed on the 'fishal site that we will sign 15-year-old Hungarian keeper Botond Antal this summer once he turns 16.

One can only presume that this signing is "one for the future", given that he is young enough to be fellow new-signing Mart Poom's son. (also, Alec's grandson and Keith Burkinshaw's great great great grandson.)

I'm pretty sure this signing will not have a massive impact on this season coming. Presumably he'll slot straight into the Academy, alongside fellow embryonic footballer, England U-16 regular and Yellow Fever favourite Harry Forrester*. Not even Scott Loach will be quaking in his boots.

This signing though, does make a statement about the future direction of our club. The poaching of talented, foreign youngsters from their cribs is the way football is these days, and presumably we must join in, if we harbour ambitions of being a small-budget top-ten team. It just doesn't sit that comfortably with me, that's all.

*oops spoke too soon. It would appear that Forrester is yet to sign Academy forms. Do it Harry - we love you!

There's Only One Steve Kabba, Thankfully

So, the Steve Kabba deal (I use the word deal advisedly - in the same way being served a half-eaten hamburger and bottle of backwashed lemonade in a restaurant is a deal, it is not a good deal) is under inquiry.

Kabba's merits have been discussed to death elsewhere. Depending on who you talk to, he's either a lazy git with Toblerone-shaped feet and the careful touch of a loved-up rhinocerous, or else a misunderstood and misused dynamo of a goal-getter. Either way, he's probably not for us at the moment.

Could the expose have been instigated by a canny WFC employee eager to get Kabba sent back from whence he came? Of course not, don't be so stupid. But if it quickens his departure and gets Warnock's old boys in some bother - who's complaining? It could leave a Helguson, Earnshaw or Sharp-sized hole in our squad.

And, has already been suggested by at least one wag, could we sell him to a Championship side and insist that he does play against us?

The Table Doesn't Lie (Much)

There is a phrase often trotted out that bad decisions cancel themselves out over a season. This is, by and large true, as a look at this alternative version of last years Premiership (not, not) table bears out.

In this table, compiled by The Right Result, bad refereeing decisions are put right. Offside goals are expunged and penalties won by Christiano Ronaldo are removed etc. The table still shows Watford bottom and Manure top, proving that the table doesn't lie (much). However, closer inspection reveals the Hornets hard done by to the tune of 6 points. Funnily enough the same amount by which Man Yoo and Chelski were up.

This is, of course, all arm-waving. For starters the site assumes that all penalties that should have been given, would have been converted. And we all know that any of these decisions going the other way would have changed a game completely and ensured a completely different game from that point on. But it is something to talk about at this bleak football-less time of year.

And interesting reading it does make. Everton were done out of a massive 10 points (despite the panel awarding Watford a win in our opening game of the season - Oh, how it all could've been so different). Spurs gained a UEFA Cup spot thanks to 7 ill-gotten points, denying Aston Villa their deserved European place. Down at the bottom, the Tevez saga should have been made irrelevant, with Wes Tam gaining 7 lucky points thus avoiding their rightful position in Divison Two. The Blades would still have gone down as well, so they can quit their moaning.

EXCLUSIVE: Bears DO deficate in woods

In other less-than-shocking revelations Lord Stevens has announced that the 17 dodgy transfers, over the two-and-a-bit years from Jan '04 to Jan '06, involved just five clubs, Chelsea, Middlesbrough, Bolton, Portsmouth and Newcastle.

Is anyone really shocked that the used-car-salesmen of Football Sam Allardyce and Harry Redknapp are involved?

But involved in what? The report finds no evidence of irregular payments to club officials or players. So just what does make these transfers suspect?

Conflict of interest in deals involving Allardyce and his son, inconsistent evidence provided by Graeme Souness and Freddy Sheppard's son Kenneth, agent Pini Zahavi wouldn't let Lord Stevens look at his bank accounts. Oh, and football agent Willy McKay registered a race horse in the name of Harry Redknapp.

So 17 dodgy deals, and yet no evidence of any wrong-doing. So just how are they dodgy?

The report is being passed on to the FA and FIFA. Who have been looking for something to prop the office door open with.

The Return Of Legends?

No sooner had I finished my first post, this landed in my inbox:

Watford bid 1m for Robinson.

Just like the rumours floating around about the return of fellow cult-figure Heidar Helguson, I wouldn't hold your breath on this one.

But if those two came home, we'd only need to sign Sir Thomas Mooney to complete a full-set of "legends who can still run without zimmer frames."

Johnno Escapes Jail & The Other Yellow Fever

In an attempt to shake Mr Coldbrain from his lethargic coma I have joined the great ship Yellow Fever. I believe there's still room for more if you wanna jump aboard and grab an oar.

So my thoughts turned to the subject of my debut post. Shall I be serious and discuss the merits of signing an experienced, but match-rusty 35-year-old Estonian Keeper? No, that's been done to death elsewhere.

Shall I go all childish and mock the usually entertaining Ian Holloway for whinging that Plymouth is a long way from anywhere and bloody difficult place to travel to/from for evening kick-offs? While he conveniently forgets the lack of sympathy his fans showed when the beeb moved our quarter-final with the Pilgrims last year. No, I wont, I'll just quietly chuckle to myself.

Instead I'll draw your attention to the news that may have passed you by that Richard "Shooooot" Johnson has escaped an eight-month prison sentence in Australia for drink-driving. When this story first broke, it was pretty much assumed he'd be banged up for the offence and would have his contract cancelled, but it appears that he has promised to behave himself and will join up with the Wellington Phoenix, the New Zealand-based franchise of the Australian A-League, in time for the start of the new season.



Johnno has been plying his trade in Oz since the A-league's conception in 2005. First for Newcastle, then the now defunct New Zealand Knights, who were captained last year by Darren Bazeley of all people! The Knights had their franchise removed for financial irregularities last year, and the Phoenix have risen from those ashes. Geddit?

Interestingly the newly formed supporters group for Wellington Phoenix is called Yellow Fever. Why this has been chosen, given the team play in black and white, is unclear. Maybe they thought the path was clear given the recent dearth of posts? Whatever the reason, given their Hornets connections, and the fact they are likely to finish rock-bottom of the league (we all love an underdog, right?) I think we should adopt The Phoenix as our own. Maybe I'll keep you updated of their progress during the season (as long as Coldbrain's apathy isn't contagious).

DEAD?

Not as funny as The Fiver, not as educational as BHaPPY

Yellow Fever is more or less dead.

I haven't the inclination to update it any more. I thought about deleting the whole thing, but decided against it. Mainly because it's like, effort, man.

As I see it from my binoculars atop Yellow Towers, there is room for a light-hearted Watford presence on the interwebnet. One that is neither overly serious nor ridiculously juvenile. You know who you are (but I love you both).

So: a new season will be upon us soon. This blog's doors are wide open, and the security guards are all asleep after too much gin at lunchtime.

If you want to contribute to Yellow Fever, you can. You can have ownership permissions if you've got a Blogger account. I'll show you what to do. Or you can email stuff to yellowfeverblog@googlemail.com. If you support another team (I know some readers, in their infinite stupidity, do) then that's cool too, daddio. If anyone is interested, then all will be well again. I'll be reinvigorated to try again, much like after 15 cans of Special Brew and a huff on the crack pipe.

Just let me know. In the meantime, you can read more about my boring life here. Although I wouldn't particularly recommend it.

I love you all. Kisses, and that.